1. The outer shell
The outside world/media tells us we need a shiny car, money, a career, the latest fashions, and, of course, we need to be beautiful. If we have all of that, we’ll be happy.
But is that true? Do we need to be rich and famous to be happy and content with our lives? At one point in life, we come to realise that while for some time we strive for that it’s not what brings us true happiness and then we need to keep looking. Companies want to sell us things, and while it’s nice to have a better and safer car, it’s not a guarantee for a good life.
If we see a person who radiates contentment and kindness they seem to live in abundance, though not material abundance, but some other form of deep contentment with what is and acceptance of what was, is and will be. We imagine beautiful people to be happier but are they really? Can we look inside them? And if we could, what would we find?
2. The personal layer
We want to be loved and accepted – no matter how rich, famous or good looking we are. However, we know our flaws like no one else, and because of that, we are creating this shiny personality that we think is worthy of love, care and friendship.
For this to work we need the outer world to be as we need it to be which creates frictions and pressure and when we fail this whole curated picture seems to be in danger of collapsing. We are then forced to use so much energy to keep it alive. We are hurt and angry and defensive as our shiny, worthy personality is under attack, and again this uses up so much strength when what we are craving is ease. Happiness is the opposite of force and inner and outer tension – it’s being at peace.
3. The inner world
Here we have sensations, thoughts and emotions. The sensations and emotions trigger thoughts, the thoughts trigger emotions, and it can become a vicious circle. They are all hard at work to ensure our survival and while doing so they see potential danger where there is none.
Back in the days of our early ancestors this was a key skill to survival but today it makes life significantly harder. Our thoughts are so sure that they are correct, that they know exactly what’s going on, even if they have no idea. Our mind is only making things up to match the emotions it is receiving, and the most straightforward explanation in our ego-centric worldview to uphold our ego/personality.
We know very little about the motives of other humans, and yet in our head, it’s all about us – everyone is against us. Fun fact: it’s the same for almost everybody. The person who you think attacked you because you are the most crucial entity in the conversation most likely didn’t plan on hurting you. It’s almost sure that they acted out of a strong sense of their importance, centering everything around themselves and your hurt is merely collateral damage. As their pain wasn’t your main mission but tending to your ego was.
4. Here’s the catch
We can simultaneously perceive us as the most important thing in the world and feel like we’re not good enough. And this combination creates an enormous amount of suffering. When we feel damaged, like a failure, not worthy of love, care and attention and at the same time, we feel like we are the centre of everything. Everything tries pointing out to us that we are not good enough and not worthy. Now we need to be defensive, even aggressive to get the tiny little bit we need to survive.
When we see this behaviour in ourselves, we can recognise it in others, too. Once we can practise self-acceptance on a first and essential basis, we can start to improve our outlook on ourselves piece by piece, develop self-love, improve and strengthen our relationships, and hold space for the people who are experiencing the same hurtful behaviours we are so familiar with.
5. How this looks like
With self-acceptance, we recognize ourselves for who we truly are. Yes, we’ll see our flaws – which we were fighting anyway – and we see our talents, our essential goodness, and most importantly, we start seeing them at the same time. We can make mistakes, but it won’t take our whole personality down. We can make mistakes and still be a good person. If we think of ourselves as deeply good people, it’s easier to accept criticism, to make up for mistakes and to change for the better, because our deepest core is not in danger. We have accepted ourselves, and now from this place of self-acceptance, we can change towards a happier and more content life which will then also radiate out to the people around us.
And this is why all happiness starts with self-acceptance as a first and utterly crucial stepping stone.
